What is? middle age, that’s what. I knew it was coming when I realised that I’d started to look forward to watching Gardener’s World. I mean, seriously, when did that happen? When did I start thinking, Isn’t it a shame that Monty can’t do it anymore?
And then there’s my continued issue with, let’s call her, for the sake of argument, Mandy. It’s not her real name, but it’s sort of close. She’s one of the two nineteen year old that i have the fortune (misfortune ??) to work with. She not the one in the same the same room as me – she the one in the next room the one in the room I have to walk through if I want to go anywhere. The one with the particularly pert breasts that look good enough to eat. The one who wears her hair in three different ways and still looks so damn cute it’s painful. The one who I’d like very much to do unspeakable things to.
I mean – I’m 33 for god’s sake (34 next month). That’s like, nearly 40. It’s nearly pensionable age. And she’s 19. That’s like, nearly half my age. When I was sitting my GCSEs she was still in nappies. And here I am, trying to not look like i’m looking at her boobs every time I speak to her. Or pass her. she doesn’t help, of course, by being all girly and cute and ohhhhh, just herself. Does this make me a dirty old man? I guess it does. I hope she never realises. she might resign.
Anyway, I happend to be watching Question Time last night. Okay, not happened to be, i stayed up late to watch it. Okay, I’m middle aged, i find politics interesting. I enjoy shouting at the TV. Sue me, why don’t you.
I was watching Question Time and Hazel Blears was on. I swear, I’d like to get that woman alone in a room. No, not for any reason like that. I’d just like to teach her about punctuation. She doesn’t use any – when she’s speaking.
I swear she speaks in one breath and just goes off at a tangent regardless of the question she’s asked she just attacks her opponent and doesn’t say anything other than how great the labour government is and does it all in one big breath until she can’t speak anymore because she’s run out of oxygen.
I could slap her. Twice. Once to shut her up and once more just make sure.
Now, has anyone seen my pipe and slippers? I think I need to go and listen to Radio 2.