A few funnies

These came to me by e-mail earlier today. Thought I’d share. Enjoy.

What’s the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


A man is in a queue at Tescos and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can’t believe she is staring at him. Then she starts waving.

“Excuse me do I know you?” he asks.

“Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids” she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says “F**king hell are you the bird I shagged on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ass?”

“No” she replies “I’m your son’s English teacher!”


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband “I must confess darling, I was a hooker!”.
He says “That’s all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic.. Tell me about it”.
She replies “Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !”.


Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor.. He’s overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he’s shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

“SISTER ROSE!!!” she roars “Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy’s balls off the wet floor!!”


A man says to his wife “tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time”.

His wife replies “You’ve got a bigger cock than your brother”

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